Boyfriends, girlfriends, the pretense of courtship—can’t we just download an app for instant internet romantic gratification? Turns out, as our dystopian/utopian future becomes reality, having constant love in your life is exactly that easy. Sure, the relationship only exists online. But these days, almost nobody will ever know the difference. Now let’s start shopping.
The web service GirlfriendHire has what it takes to make real human relationships obsolete. And why not? Facebook has already diminished friendship to a cowering, anemic orphan of a concept. Next up: Sex and love. The site allows you to directly order a fake girlfriend for $5. It’s a deal. You’ll pay far more for a Match.com subscription, where you own only the chance of meeting someone.
Our technological age is defined by immediacy, superficiality, and isolation. We need a Buy It Now button for emotions. And now we have it, sort of. GirlfriendHire is not perfect. But for $5, it helps you look cool and feel less lonely. What other five dollar purchase can accomplish that?
Realize what you’re doing
You’re about to pay a stranger on the internet in exchange for virtual love services. She’s not going to touch you, hang out with you, or really know much of anything about you. “She” may not be a she, or a real person at all. There’s nothing wrong or immoral or dangerous about this, but…just be straight with yourself about what you’re buying here. On paper, it ain’t pretty.
Time for a shopping spree! Get those fivers (and a PayPal account) ready. Try to ignore the inherent creepiness involved with “browsing” girls like some sort of sex trafficking bazaar. They’re here because they want to be here, making money off of your sloth and solitude. GirlfriendHire offers a broad assortment of “flings” for your dollar, mostly orbiting around our aching, pathetic drive to be noticed and desired:
I will be your internet girlfriend for $5
I will send you cute text messages for $5
I will be your facebook girlfriend for $5
I will send you flirty messages on your facebook wall for $5
Some girls offer more rarefied stuff:
I will do your homework/help research, write and proofread papers for $5
I will write a sexy story starring YOU! for $5
I will give you a list of great dubstep for $5
I will help you learn to use your iphone for $5
Here you’re not even really paying for romance, but for any kind of human companionship. This is more like that flirty girl who helps you in the library, who might just have a thing for you, but of course does not.
Think about what’s missing in your life. There’s a hole here to fill it. Or at least to fake filling it.
Choose wisely and choose often
Even GirlfriendHire’s owner, Cody Krecicki, admits the place is rife with spam accounts and fraud. Over some email interviews, he recommended sorting the girl list by rating to put those with good feedback at the top. Also, look at the picture—if it doesn’t look like someone who’d really be earning money by sending Facebook messages for $5 payments, it probably isn’t an accurate avatar.
For that reason, a scattershot approach is best. Increase your chances on getting something good from the site by spreading money across multiple flings—a $35 bet should do it. It’s like tapas, only instead of tasty Spanish food, you’re buying the temporary attention of an apathetic stranger.
Embrace your new girlfriend(s)
As the cyberlove rolls in, the fun (?) part begins. I bought “a text thanking you for one great night of passion for $5.” I received the following:
“Wow, the other night was amazing. I never even imagined that i could have so many orgasms in a row. I really cant stop thinking about you and id love to see you again as sooooooon as you can”
Hey now! That seems like a totally realistic thing someone would say to me. Great.
I also purchased two Facebook relationships, which were the most fruitful.
Michelle Reid was a better virtual girlfriend than many real girlfriends (or boyfriends) ever prove to be. At first. Over Facebook Chat she asked about my interests, my work, and told me about her travel aspirations. She complimented me. But most importantly, she wrote on my wall. A lot.
Things like this. From GIZMODO